Football's Ugliest Players

The contemporary, metro-sexual footballer. Designer stubble, skin as smooth as silk and a tan that makes David Dickinson look like an albino goth.

I’m not going to hark on as to the demise in masculinity that footballers seem to be criticised and credited for, because to be honest, It’s hard to ignore the fact that some footballer players are simply beautiful. It’s not gay, it’s fact, just look at Becks.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I want to take him out for dinner, have a bottle of red, pinch his cheeks and promise him the world, I’m merely stating that as a hetro-sexual male, it’s okay to appreciate the male form.

However, not all footballers are blessed with such style, charisma and allure that the likes of Beckham has become so famous for.

Here is my list, compiling some of the most frightful, ghastly and down right macabre footballers to have ever graced the pitch.

Nani: Ugly score-4/10

Is it a bird, is it a plane...yes, it’s a bird, good old pigeon head himself. Not only one of the most frustrating footballers to watch, he is also frustrating to look at. Seems he would be more comfortable waddling around Leicester Square picking up flat dog ends rather than playing football. Plus, it’s hard to take the man seriously having realised he is the spitting image of Wacko Jacko back in his Thriller days. Nani...check your bad self...in the mirror.

Mickael Silvester: Ugly score-5/10

Now Mickael is not a dreadful looking man. His charming french wit and accent make him particularly attractive to a female audience. However, based on the sheer circumference and mass of the mans cranium alone, it is hard to abstain from including him in the list. His head is huge. I mean, really huge. Rumours have suggested that Silvestre only owns one hat. It’s a beanie, tailor made from over 5 meters of felt, taking 2 hours to fit the garment, using copious amounts of lard and several shoehorns. What’s more, Silvestre is said to have had a 33 hour long “ram-off” with Gabriel Obertan in 2009, following a dis-agreement over a pack of jelly babies.

Carles Puyol: Ugly score-7/10

The Barca center-back is ugly. There’s no two ways about that. If your going to rock the classic cut that is the loose perm, you have to have the style and looks to back up such a bold statement. Look at keegan, perm and hot-pants. There has to be some sort of justification there. Puyol unfortunately, looks like Mr potato-head in a wig.

Iván Campo: Ugly score-7/10

Following an accident at a young age in which Campo’s face fell onto an industrial strength vacuum cleaner, his severe dis-figurement has not stopped him pursuing a career as a professional footballer. Since his retirement, Campo has been busy setting up his charity “The Iván Campo trust,” a cooperation that is dedicated to ensuring the welfare and dignity of repulsive footballers. It is said that the charity holds over 200 members, and the annual ICT Gala attracts media attention across the globe.


Wayne Rooney: Ugly score-8/10

What wazza lacks in wit, he makes up for in his ahm....considerable choice of ageing prostitutes? Well it certainly isn’t his looks anyway. I’m not condoning the force that is Coleen’s real women, as she too is as moronic as her other half, but alas, based on aesthetics alone, she is a little out of his league. My atheism is justified when looking at the star-strikers face, as it is clear to see the role evolution has played in the development of human life, and to what extent evolution is less active in the Rooney family.

Carlos Tevez: Ugly Score-9/10

Ahh Carlos, where do you start. I’m not even going to shrowd his description with metaphor and simile, we can all see what is wrong with Carlos Tevez when staring at pictures of the man himself, and that of course, is the shirt on his back. Cringe, that one was awful. But of course, joking aside, Tevez is truly grotesque. This was re-enforced when attending a Halloween party last year, in which someone was dressed as the city striker, in full kit, along with the bush-wacker hair, crooked teeth and un-sightful scar. Effortlessly the Premierships most hideous footballer.

Franck Ribery: Ugly score-9/10

The hideous love-child of Shane Macgowan and Jocelyn Wildenstein, Frank Ribery comes in with a gracious, yet acceptable ugly score of 9/10. The scarring on Riberys face is indeed a tragedy, but I believe if you look beyond that, you can still see the repugnant mush that resembles a piece of over-cooked popcorn chicken. Mr Ribery, you sir are one ugly, ugly
footballer.

Iain Dowie: Ugly score-10/10

Topping the chart is Mr incredible himself, Iain Dowie. Classically considered the most disgusting footballer to have ever played at professional level, Dowie is an avid Goonies fan, allegedly spending over £100,000 pound on cosmetic procedures to make him look like his childhood hero, The Sloth. Well I can say that it’s a job well done.

The Decemberists-The King Is Dead Review

The Decemberists: The King Is Dead review

The Portland quintet have returned with a country-infused concoction of American folk rock and blues to create a tracklist that makes it easy to forget their previous wrong-doings.

Their last album, “The Hazards of love,” was a convoluted mass of fashions and influences that left it difficult to distinguish the band, let alone the genre.

Since 2009, The Decemberists have been busy recording album no 6, entitled “The King Is Dead,” a record which off the back of previous work could have been over-willingly constructed around feelings of anxiety and a yearning to be liked.

This thankfully, is not the case.

In the opening number, “Don’t Carry it all,” we are welcomed by a screaming harmonica and thumping drum beat, swiftly accompanied by Colin Meloy’s gutsy yet soulful vocal, “Here we come to a turning of the season, Witness to the arc towards the sun.”

This lays the foundation from which the album builds its own sense of identity, with an emphasis on minimalism and simplicity, generating ideas around the smells and sensations associated with all four seasons.

This doesn’t mean to say you can disregard the slight whine heard from the violin in the beautifully crafted “Down by the water,” which when accompanied by Jenny Conlee’s backing choral makes for perfect listening.

Notation must be made to Meloy’s lyrical ability also. His progression as a writer is perfectly exemplified in “June Hymn,” an insightful peek into the plight of a young man’s love for his soul mate, environment, and the notion that someday he will lose both: “Hear the hymn to welcome in the day, heralding a summer's early sway, and all the bulbs all coming in, to begin, thrushes beating battle with the wind, disrupts my reverie again.”

Essentially, the album is a cerebral mix between the vocal tones of Michael Stipe, coherent with the lyrical prowess of Ben Gibbard within a country-folk context.

It would seem that a re-connection with the bands roots was all that was needed to create a masterful piece of music.

Songs to look out for: Calamity song, Don’t carry it all and June hymn.

Come Around Sundown review

One moment will stick with me for the rest of my life, and It’s not the first time I heard The Beatles or Johnny Cash. It is in-fact the juncture at which I saw a group of Diesel clad, WKD guzzling morons, linked at the shoulders wailing “Yoooooooou, your sex is on fire” to each other whilst jumping on the feet of everyone around them.

Has it come to this? Really?

So, in light of that, lets get to grips with the problem that's plaguing music fans up and down the country...is it still cool to like the Kings Of Leon?

An irreverent force in the face of contemporary Indie music following the release of Youth and Young Manhood in 2003, the band have since been heavily criticised for the stadium-pop-rock sound that echoed so brazenly through the delicate bass lines of Only By The Night back in 2008, and contrasted (jeopardised) the bands audial prowess, a catalogue of music they had worked so hard to create throughout the decade.

Needless to say, upon the release Of Come Around Sundown, I too was sceptical as to the direction the band would take. This scepticism was justified.

The album is essentially an attempt to please everyone, a notion that Caleb and the gang would have pissed on back in the early years. Imagine Only by the night, but without Sex on Fire and Use somebody and you’ve got Come Around Sundown.

Of course, there are many who will say this is just a new musical direction for the band, swaying further away from their southern-rock stylistics to a more sombre, atmospheric and experimental affair, but I’m sad to say, its not. It’s made for the radio, and with the radio in mind, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing as long as you have the goods to back up the intention.
The album opens with “Mi amigo,” a song that seemingly takes its influence from Marc Bolan and Garry Glitter, which is never a good combination.

We’re then led through more longing dross until we reach “Mary,” a nod to the jukebox of a 50’s diner, a shot to once again re-connect with their roots, sounding more like the Jersey boys than Don Mclean.

This is also attempted again on “Back down south,” with a catchy country and western vibe that should be called “See, were still the same band, honestly,” re-enforcing the notion that we are listening to a group of lads who are yearning to be respected as they once were.

In-fact, the best song on the album is probably “Radioactive,” which says allot when taking into consideration the self-righteous video that accompanied the music, which looked more like a comic relief montage than a music video.

Alas, the band have come to a crossroads in their career. Continue to sacrifice the sanctity of the band for the sake of radio 1? Or actually get in touch with their past and create music that will win back the fan-base they have lost.

But on the basis of Come around Sundown they have no intention of reviving the genre anytime soon, and after all, even Jagger wore a shell suit.

Top 10 fights of the decade

Boxing has given us many great battles over the past century, Duran Vs Leonard, Ali Vs Frasier, and of course, for sheer controversy alone, Tyson Vs Holyfield.

Pugilism’s glory days seemed numbered after the Tyson incident, with numerous critics questioning the sportsmanship and safety of those who dared enter the ring.

However, contradictory to common belief, boxing is as prosperous as ever, with the best Pound for pound fighters to have ever lived (Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather) speculating a bout for within the next two years.

But what was the best fight of the past decade? Which provided most entertainment? And which was most influential? Ive rounded up some of the modern classics that will undoubtedly be remembered for years to come.

10: Joe Calzaghe (GBR) Vs Mikkel Kessler (DEN)-WBO, WBC, WBA and Ring Magazines Super Middleweight titles- November 3rd 2007- Cardiff

Both fighters went into the match unbeaten. Little did critics know that the fight would be a complete whitewash 0n Calzaghes part. The earlier rounds were more even, with Kessler maybe winning a couple. But as the bout wore on Calzaghe was diving in and out, using his jab effectively. Considering neither boxer had ever fought someone of such a high caliber as their opponent, Calzaghe made it look easy, winning a unanimous decision. Joe was always slated by American critics prior to the match, but he secured his legacy as one of the greatest fighters of all time through the victory, going on to beat legends such as Bernard Hopkins and Roy Jones Junior.

9: Ricky Hatton (GBR) Vs Jose Luis Castillo (MEX) - Light Welterweight-June 23rd 2007- Las Vegas

Probably one of Ricky Hattons Greatest Victories, Hatton Vs Catillo was greatly anticipated and received by many who viewed it. Critics were split as to who would have the upper hand going into the fight...unbeaten Hatton? or the more experienced Castillo? The question needn't have been asked really, with Hatton giving Castillo a complete lesson on how to throw a punch. From the get go the Mexican was pummeled by staggering right and left hooks to the body, paying diffident in the 4th. Pushed against the ropes, Castillo was hit with a phenomenal body shot forcing him to the ground, where he sat until the ten count, the first time ever in his career.

8: Oscar De La Hoya (USA) Vs Fernando Vargas (USA)-WBC, WBA Light Middleweight titles-September 14th 2002-Las Vegas

Not a fight necessarily well remembered for its showmanship and spectacle, the De La Hoya- Vargas fight was however a perfect example of grit, perseverance and sheer emotion. Going into the fight, there was a great rivalry between the two fighters, with De La Hoya still sour over his controversial loss to Shane Mosley. The Bout was completely even until the 10th, with De La Hoya completely dominating to the bell. Caught with a flush left hook in the 11th, Vargas fell to the canvas but got back up immediately, only to be met with lightning fast combinations from De La Hoya, at which point the referee interfered. De La Hoya could hardly fight back the tears post fight, in a truely "Balboa" moment.

7: Israel Vazquez (MEX) Vs Rafael Marquez (MEX)-WBC Super Bantamweight title-March 1st 2008-Texas

Another Mexican stand off in the list, Vazquez Marquez 3 was the third and final fight between the pair that saw Vazquez win by a split decision, despite being knocked down in the 4th. One thing that always remained consistent throughout all three fights, was the tenacity and passion of both fighters. Boxing analyst Al Bernstein described the fighting styles of both fighters by saying "If ever two fighters were made for each other, these two are. They are in front of each other throwing excellent punches. Both men have a smidge of a problem defensively, so that leaves the chance that they can be hit." Rarely did 10 seconds pass throughout the entire bout when either man was throwing or being hit by punches, and both fighters faces were proof of that by the end of the match. Had the fight taken place in the 20's, pennies would have covered the canvas.


6: Erik Morales (MEX) Vs Marco Antonio Barrera (MEX)- WBO, WBC World Bantamweight tiltes-19th February 2000- Las Vegas

Offering one of the best trilogies since Ali Vs Frasier, each of the Morales- Barrera bouts was as thrilling as the last. Both Boxers went into the first match as title holders, with Morales confident following a knockout victory over unbeaten Daniel Zaragoza. The fight was controversial to say the least, with Barrera going on to lose, despite scoring the only Knockdown in round 12 of the fight. The Pair went on to battle again on 2 occasions, with Barrera winning both by judge’s decision. The first fight will certainly go down as the most memorable though, with the two Mexicans providing a master- class in determination, how to take a punch and fighting prowess.

5: Erik Morales (MEX) Vs Manny Pacquiao (PHL)- WBC Super Featherweight title-November 18th 2006- Las Vegas

It seems good things come in threes, as the final match in the trilogy between the two featherweights was to be the most memorable. With one victory each, it was billed as a "Grande Finale" and it seemed Pacquiao had some unfinished businesss to attend to. From the get go Morales was made a fool of, Manny dominated using straight rights and lefts, putting down Morales in the second round via a left hook. Morales persisted non-the-less, only to be put down twice in the 3rd by the Filipino. The fight put an end to Morales' career, as he never recovered from his loss. Nevertheless, the victory secured Pacquiao as one of the greatest pound for pound fighters in history.

4: Flloyd Mayweather Junior (USA) Vs Diego Corrales (USA) - WBC Super Featherweight title- January 20th 2001- Las Vegas

The fight between Mayweather-Corrales was to be the defining moment in a flawless career for "Pretty Boy." Throughout the fight Mayweather dominated, dropping Corrales five times overall, which when considering Corrales had never been knocked out is a pretty impressive statistic. After two consecutive knockouts in the 10th, the referee rightfully intervened. Since the fight Mayweather has secured the title of best Pound-for-pound fighter in the world, and is commonly respected as the greatest boxer to have ever lived.

3: Ricky Hatton (GBR) Vs Costa Tszyu (AUS)- IBF Light Welterweight Title- 4th June 2005- Manchester

Going into the fight, Hatton was a clear underdog as many believed Tszyu to be one of the best pound-for-pound fighters of the generation. It soon became apparent that this wasn't the case, as Hatton stood toe-to-toe with Tszyu and emerged victorious after Tszyu refused to leave his corner in the 12th round. The fight is one of the greatest boxing upsets, and is still deemed to be the greatest moment in Hattons career, allowing the critics across the pond to take note.

2: Micky Ward (USA) Vs Aturo Gatti (CAN)-May 18 2002- Connecticutt

The most astounding thing about the Gatti and Ward trilogy is the fact that there were absolutely no titles on the line. Just 30 rounds of non stop boxing, in a show of sportsmanship, boxing ability, will power and pride. Their first fight in particular was specifically spectacular, as Gatti got put down in the ninth, but battled on non-the-less. The result was a controversial split decision in favour of Ward, but both fighters were considered winners by all who viewed it. A truly inspirational fight, and two truely great fighters. The match was awarded Ring magazines Fight of the year, and has gone down in history following the death of the late, great Aturo Gatti.

1: Diego Corrales (USA) Vs Luis Castillo (Mex)- WBC, WBO Lightweight Title- May 7th 2005- Las Vegas

One round completely sums up the best fight of the decade, round 10, Corrales- Castillo. Like a scene from a movie, Corrales went down twice in the round, and it all seemed over. Corrales rose and did something phenominal, fought back, caught Castillo with a left hook and erupted with a barrage of punches. The referee intervened and Corrales got the victory. A Glissando of emotion, the fight will go down in history as one of the best fights ever, but un-doubtedly the best fight of the decade.

Student Diet article

When is the defining moment in a students education? Is it the moment you enrol? results day? Graduation day? Or is it when you find yourself eating a Pot Noodle at two o’clock in the afternoon in nothing but your pants, screaming in support of Jeremy Kyles most recent antics? Unfortunately, popular opinion sways in favour of the latter, a stigma that is hard to shake.

The notion that students rely solely on junk food to function has always been present within society. In one scene from the student based sitcom, “The Young Ones,” in the early eighties, when inspecting the communal fridge, they find “a green blob of mould,” a “urine sample,” as well as a potion, that “when the patient drinks it, he turns into an axe wielding homicidal maniac.”

So why is it students get such bad press when concerning their diets? Is it indeed just a stereotype? Or is it in-fact a realistic representation of student life?

The FXU President of Welfare, Samantha Finneran, defies the common myth.

“Personally, I try to eat as healthily as I can, and try shop at local farm stores wherever possible, but due to work commitments I often find myself in Asda every couple of weeks deliberating between organic, fair-trade or just plain British. I have finally got a veg patch in the garden which I have been looking forward to since I started University – home grown courgettes, peas, cabbage and spinach are like luxuries, they taste so good. Myself and my housemates tend to shop together as everything is cheaper in bulk, and we can ‘wind each other up’ about buying unhealthy stuff too. The only down side is that they eat a lot more meat than I do which is more expensive. I am into my fruits and veggies with a bit of meat every now and then.”

She goes on to say:

“I always try to get £50 out on a Monday, and not spend it all by the end of the week. Sometimes it works, Sometimes it doesn’t but I just keep at it, give myself a pat on the back if I have a good week and try not to kick myself too hard if I spend a lot more. The best thing I ever did was start writing down what I spend my money on and add it all up each week. This is really easy to do with Internet banking, plus I'm saving trees by not having paper statements that will get filed away and never read.”

In contrast to Samantha, not all people find it as easy to adapt. Michael Lyle, a Journalism student at the College found it particuarly diffucult to find a diet that worked for him.

“I lost two stone over the first year after moving to Falmouth. The regularity I had in my diet at home was lost when I moved. At home I was given a set meal everyday, whereas at University I was arriving at home at different times, making it difficult to cook when I wanted. Cheaper junk food is far more appealing and much easier to prepare.”

The UK has been completely entwined within the “Obesity epidemic” that has sprung up over the past 5 years, with an increasing number of shows such as “Celebrity Fit Club” and “You Are What You Eat” epitomising the change. But as of yet, there have been no programmes focused completely on University students, moving away from home and becoming completely self sufficient for the first time.

Birmingham based dietitian and member of the BDA, Susan Jenkins found it particularly bewildering that in this day and age, people are still detached from what we eat.

“In order sustain a healthy diet, we need a balanced combination of carbohydrates, proteins, fats, minerals, vitamins and fibre. It goes without question that a diet based completely around junk food will have a drastic effect on the body, inducing either weight gain or loss, skin conditions, heart conditions and also stress. We cant neglect our eating habits simply for our own convenience.”

There are services provided for students however. The British Dietetic association website, www.teenweightwise.com offers many recipes and services ideally suited for a student on a budget. Other websites include the independently run www.beyondbakedbeans.com which has a particularly helpful section on how to cut your food bills. Whats more there is a quiz which allows the user to determine how healthy they are. Also, the University College Falmouth itself is holding a “hows it going week” at the Stannary commencing on Monday November 2nd in conjunction with Tremough Campus services, The Student Union and The University of Exeter Cornwall Campus, Including a “Health and wellness day” on Thursday 5th, and also “Food and Fitness day” on Friday the 6th, both starting at 11am.

Zine work

As part of my course I have been working on a small perzine, condensing my views on a whole range of subject matters. It allowed me to get to grips with in-design and was pretty enjoyable.

British Leyland

Nothing beats the smell of a petrol in the morning. Especially when its bellowing out the arse end of a British leyland. What the hell has happened to engineering? Rarely do I see a contemporary motor that emits such elegance and beauty as did the Leyland range (not so much the metro.)

I've recently come to a crossroads in terms of buying a new car. Do I go for a Fiesta or a Corsa, just like everybody else would? Cheap parts and good reliability? Or sacrifice that and spend the same on a Leyland? Actually drive a car that wants to be driven, for 30 miles at least.

Auto Trader has become my Mekkah over recent weeks. Budget...£750. What will it get me? 1972 Austin Mini 1250 gt? Out the question, they are like goldust. Triumph Dolomite? Essentially a pint sized Cadillac that wouldn't look out of place in the parking lot of a 50's diner. Rust bucket, not worth the cash. Which got me thinking...what about a Morris Marina? All the bad press Top Gear has given it means nobody can sell them. I quickly narrowed down my search and discovered they were available in abundance.

Who cares if they handle like a "skip on wheels?" Have you sat in one Mr Clarkson? Its like a time warp. I booked a viewing on one as soon as I could.

I found one just 12 miles away. 1978, 1.3 hatchback...perfect. The excitement and anticipation as I travelled to view it was unbearable. Shropshire had been frost ridden for over a month and today was no exception, so I had my doubts as to whether the thing would even start.

One look at the little beast and I fell in love. Mustard yellow, mint interior and a completely rust free engine bay.

I put the key in the ignition and twisted....nothing. I tried again....nothing. I could feel my heart sinking, one more time...twist the key...nothing. Looking blankly at the owner I felt as though my dream car was just out of reach.

"You've gotta pull the choke out mate."

A choke? Now this is motoring. Pulling the lever with glee I twisted again and the roar from beneath me was truly magnificent. Everything was beautiful. The finish on the dash, the huge steering wheel, the grill reminiscent of a Mustang, why would anyone want to buy a Corsa?

He took me for a spin. Almost everybody we drove past turned their heads in ore (or maybe in embarrassment) of the Marina. This IS my destiny, I have to have this car, I don't care if I've got to get Falmouth and back, this is the one.

As the engine bumbled down back at the garage, I knew we had to talk money.

"Whats the least you'll take?"

£950...cash.

Once again my heart sank. Okay Mitch, haggle.

"£700?"

"£950...cash."

"Can we meet in the middle? say£850?"

"£950...cash."

For fear of crying , I had to walk away. My heart was broken...a broken man. A Corsa it is.

But Ill say this, next time your thinking of buying a car... don't go for the Fiesta, or the 106... take a chance on a true classic... a British Marvel...The Morris Marina.